Losing Myself to Gain Something Else.

I had a dream.

I know it can be painful having to listen to people's dreams, but stick with me.

The dream was a two-parter.

I dreamt that my partner and I were visiting a very wealthy and influential man in London.

He had an extraordinary house, beautiful gardens and a collection of classic cars.

I remember feeling that becoming friends with him could open doors to opportunities in my life.

At one point, he offered to arrange for his personal hairdresser to wash our hair at a discounted rate.

We had both just washed our hair, so I politely declined.

But I noticed something interesting. I was worried that declining his offer might upset him, and that I might jeopardise the relationship and the opportunities it could bring.

Second Dream

I was visiting a powerful and influential musician.

He invited me to contribute some keyboard to a piece of music he was creating. I did, and it went well.

Later, we were listening to the song with a woman who had sung on it.

As he was about to play us a particular section, I interrupted to ask her what she had been connecting with when she sang it.

He became irritated.

He accused me of taking too much credit for the music and, when I asked how much difference my contribution had made, he told me, "None."

I found myself apologising, explaining my intentions and trying to regain his approval.

The download.

There are myriad ways to interpret these dreams. But what stood out to me was how my perception of needing someone for access or opportunity compromised my ability to express myself authentically and stand in my own power.

I had surrendered my power in the hope of gaining or maintaining someone else's.

I reflected on times when I have felt that happening in my life.

I also reflected on how this can extend beyond powerful individuals, to powerful platforms.

So then I asked myself, why?

What I realised is that I am vulnerable to this when I mistake a desire for a need.

Because that moves me from my heart, motivated by passion, to my root, motivated by survival.

Survival intelligence in and of itself isn't the issue. The issue arises when need and desire are conflated. I may desire an opportunity, a relationship, to be liked. But if I begin to feel I need it to survive, then I am at risk of losing myself in the pursuit of gaining something else.

Whatever I believe I need governs me.

I am moved, directed and, to a degree, controlled by what I perceive I need.

If I need riches, money can rule me.

If I need recognition, recognition can rule me.

If I need an audience, the audience can rule me.

If I need access, the gatekeeper can rule me.

If I need Instagram growth, the algorithm can rule me.

But that doesn't require the opposite movement of pretending:

I don't want money.

I don't want to make an impact.

I don't want people to experience my art.

I don't want beautiful things.

The aim is not to be ungoverned, but to be consciously engaged in what governs us. 

Desire is not a dirty word.

My desire is a fire that can warm and enliven me, or engulf me completely.

The question is, can I have a healthy relationship with it?

Can I hold it in an open palm, rather than a clenched fist?

Can I want without needing?

Perhaps most importantly,

can I pursue my desires

while staying true to who I am?

Until the next time,

Peace and Love 

Alex