Doing what you feel like doing?

How often do you do what you feel like doing?

It’s an interesting question, because as soon as you answer it, it tells you that there is this strange dichotomy that exists between what we feel like doing and what we do.

I asked Prue, my partner, this question.

She said,

“Um, maybe not that often at the moment.”

“Why not?” I responded.

And she said, "because I’m often thinking about what the kids need."

She might feel like going and sitting under a tree and meditating, but she needs to prepare lunch for our one-year-old daughter,

who simultaneously wishes to climb onto the tallest, most dangerous thing she can find to perform a high-wire act.

This helped me understand that there is nuance here, that although she feels like sitting under a tree, she thinks she should look after Dahli,

and also feels deep love and care for Dahli, so a part of her does feel like offering that care.

I'm going to take a side note moment here to honour Prue and all the mothers out there.

Witnessing up close the demands, the sacrifice, commitment, skill and love demonstrated in raising an infant is humbling.

Thank you Prue for all you do for our children and our family. You are incredible.

I also noticed something else,

That there is a tension that can arise between two landscapes,

What I feel like I want to do now,
What I think I need to do for the future.

We have this ability to taper, ignore, suppress, or redirect our feelings in the service of what we deem to be favourable in the future.

When these two landscapes diverge, it can lead to a sacrifice:

Either sacrificing what we feel like doing now, in the name of the future,
or sacrificing what we think we should do for the future, in the name of the now.

When there is a lot of self-denial, sacrifice of what we want now, it can lead to a buildup of resentment, resentments that are easily projected out onto the people and circumstances around us.

When there is a lot of permission in the now that sacrifices the future, it can lead to struggle for our future self. The penalty for the late tax filing, the hangover from the bottle of wine.

So then I'm thinking, is it about making sure that we are balanced between sometimes sacrificing one, then the other, and keeping it fair?

But that leaves us in this never-ending balancing act,
and how do we decide?

This didn’t feel like the answer, so I contemplated it further.

That’s when I saw a third path.

Alignment?

I reflected on my own situation, and times when this tension seems to disappear.

And it's in the times when there is a convergence between what I feel like doing, what is healthy stewardship of my future, and what serves those I am responsible for.

Like now, for instance, I feel inspired and content in my body that I am writing this. I don’t feel like doing anything else. It is also in the service of my responsibilities. No part of me is being sacrificed at this moment.

I think it may be overly idealistic, or naive, to believe that we can exist purely in this place, but I think that we can, and perhaps are called, to try. We should be orientated toward this.

So then I thought, perhaps the question is:

How do we create more of the conditions in which what I think I should do for the future converges with what I feel like doing now?

Then, a couple of nights ago, Dahli was up through the night not feeling well, and I definitely did not feel like getting up. I was very tired, but I wanted to help Prue, not because I thought I should, but because I was called to in my heart.

Maybe I am not going to solve this issue with a formula, conceptual understanding, or rigorous philosophy.

Perhaps I will be better served by cultivating my ability to listen,
 to my heart.

Until the next time,

Peace and love,

Alex